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Messy Grace

Finding Hope in the Now and Not Yet

Together, we are living in the gaps.
With the tension of unfulfilled dreams.

With the heartache of loss and the sickness of deferred hope.

Somewhere along the way, we run right into that painful space between what is and what should be. We hope for relationships, for children, for jobs. We long for healed bodies and souls, a better future, just a taste of success. Sometimes, we simply long to know we matter.

And maybe, just maybe, we’re all looking for friends for this journey. Maybe we’re looking to laugh and cry and make sense of this life with others who won’t make us feel ashamed of our pieces. Maybe we’re looking for hope that a life of soul holes and unfulfilled dreams can still be joyful and meaningful.

Categories
faith Family Messy Grace

I’m Not Mad at God. 

I was supposed to be pregnant. After years of waiting, I’d carried a baby just nine weeks before a miscarriage upended everything I ever thought I believed about the way God works. We deserve to be parents! I would yell at the sky. My husband and I were as devoted to one another as we were to God. God had no right to take my baby from me. He owed me big time.
If this was a test, I was failing.

That year I was bitter, angry, weepy, uncertain. Every time I entered God’s presence, I did not find peace or hope or patience. Instead, I came face to face with my own biting disappointment, and the God who had let me down.

Categories
Mental Health Messy Grace

I’m Not Disappointed in You

The year had grown harder, week-by-week and month-by-month. There were days I couldn’t scrape together the energy to get out of bed. I’d dropped most of my college classes spring term to avoid failing – I, the straight A student to whom school came so easily. Anxiety made it impossible to eat, and I lost enough weight that people asked if I was anorexic.
I didn’t know it wasn’t my fault.