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faith Family Mental Health

Living Through the Aftermath of My Mom’s Suicide

I was twelve when my mom killed herself. My parents were divorced. My dad was remarried and lived nearby. My older brother lived in his own apartment, so it was just me and my mom making our way.
She sometimes left me home alone when she went out drinking. I begged her to stay home, but she would only promise to be home by a certain time. My neediness was useless to change anything.

I slept at my dad’s house the night my mom died. More accurately, I moved in. A few blocks were all that separated the houses—a slight but infinite distance. This time the sleepover wouldn’t end. When the sun rose I wouldn’t have a home to return to. Home as I knew it had vanished.

Categories
Marriage Messy Grace Recovery from Abuse

Time Travel, Potatoes, and Grace

For months, my counselor and I worked toward dealing with my emotions instead of shoving them down into the acid that sat in my belly along with all the bad memories. At the bottom of all the junk in my soul, I found grace, resolve, understanding, and forgiveness — for my mom, for my ex-husband, but most of all, for me.

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faith

God helps those who …

I live in the South, where “Christian” is synonymous with “Republican.” My older family members always voted down the party line. I live in a place where people say things like, “I don’t see how you can vote Democrat and still call yourself a Christian.”
Now that I’m a little older, I’ve realized my political views are actually pretty varied, and they don’t fall along party lines. I can no longer talk about inclusion for the outcast and faith in the underdog, yet vote down the “us vs. them” mentality of a particular party.

Categories
faith Recovery Recovery from Abuse

God Works Ordinarily

For years, I believed exactly what Christine Caine’s quote says: God can do in a second what you have been unable to do alone for years.
But it only led me away from Christ.

We wish for it, but unfortunately, God usually doesn’t change our circumstances in an instant.

Categories
Mental Health Messy Grace

I’m Not Disappointed in You

The year had grown harder, week-by-week and month-by-month. There were days I couldn’t scrape together the energy to get out of bed. I’d dropped most of my college classes spring term to avoid failing – I, the straight A student to whom school came so easily. Anxiety made it impossible to eat, and I lost enough weight that people asked if I was anorexic.
I didn’t know it wasn’t my fault.

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Best of Messy Grace Family Marriage Mental Health Recovery Recovery from a Suicid... relationships

Daring to Trust: Life After My Husband’s Suicide Attempt

I will never forget how cold the tile floor was on that hot September afternoon, as I slid down the wall of ICU room number six.
The statement that made my knees buckle, as I stood at the end of that hospital bed, was, “No, I did not mix up my medicine. I wanted to die. I do not want to be here any more.”

My clearest thought was how I was not enough. But if not me, how was our beautiful baby boy not enough to make my husband want to stay? I wondered how I could possibly face family and friends at our son’s first birthday party the next day, alone. I wondered if I would spend the rest of my life the very same way.

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Uncategorized

Five Awkward Types of Jesus in Christian Music

Laugh with me as we walk through five of the awkward types of Jesus found in Christian music.

Categories
faith Messy Grace

He Gives and Takes Away

Do you ever read a familiar scripture and see something new?
It happens to me from time to time… And it happened when I read that Herod ordered all the baby boys to be killed. All of them two years old or younger. Little baby boys… Who had just started their lives. Little baby boys who were their daddy’s pride and their mommy’s heart.

Categories
faith Parenting

Finding God in Times of Transition

In times of transition, it’s normal to feel lost or forgotten. But you are not lost, and neither is God. He is right where He’s always been, longing to be with us in our struggle. He wants to wait with us while we look for our new normal. He is never intimidated by our situation and He never gives up on us, even when we lack faith.

Categories
Anxiety faith

What I’ve Learned from Anxiety and Advent

Peace is an assurance that in the midst of hell breaking loose: shootings in Paris and Colorado Springs, war in Syria and acts of terrorism each time we turn on the television, God remains. God is not being terrorized. Heartbroken, definitely. But not uncertain or afraid. I think Heaven weeps, but God knows the beginning from the end. Peace says that things will get better one day. Our waiting will be worth it.